About Sheep

This month I’ve been experiencing a lot of confusion, tears, and have lost my clarity. Where is this emotion coming from? I can’t even think straight some days. God is doing something.

In the midst of this craziness, He has been having me read and think a lot about blind and lame men (not lame as in not cool, but physically unable to do something, like walk), sheep, and women clutching tightly onto Christ’s robe. I’ve been picturing myself as one of these women, grabbing hold and trailing behind him, so afraid of letting go. Sheep: a little lamb wandering off busy eating without watching where she’s going…just munching away. What do all these things have in common? Dependence? Control?

Once when I was a little girl, probably around 10 years old, I was out playing hard at recess so far out in the field behind the playground that I didn’t hear the bell ring to come inside. I must have been so content playing all alone in my own little kid world. I don’t know how long it had been, but I remember all of a sudden I looked around and didn’t see any other kids outside. Oh no! Was I in trouble? Was anybody looking for me? What was going to happen when I wandered back into the classroom? (Where were those recess ladies on duty?) I crept back into the classroom, where I tried to sneakily get back to my desk and sit down without being seen. I don’t know what I thought would happen, maybe that my life would be over? Let me preface this with something about myself that I’m really embarrassed about now: I made sure I never, ever got in trouble, especially at school. My parents often tell me that when I was just a little girl they would throw one stern look at me and I would burst out in tears, devastated. So back to the story, nothing really happened. It was all very anticlimactic, I don’t’ think the teacher really noticed, or if he did he must of just looked at me, and then kept on teaching. Whew, everything was going to be okay. I was so not cool. I wish now that I would’ve have gotten in trouble more, at least a little bit, just so I know that I could survive it. I’m so worried about messing up. I hate that I still care so much about “getting in trouble”: my perfectionism. Today, like lots of days, I still feel like that sensitive little girl. Will I ever get over “being in trouble” and stop caring if someone might think I’m not smart, pretty, funny, kind enough?? I annoy my sensibilities.

It’s a good thing that God is a shepherd who really watches over little lambs like me. I don’t know what’s going on most of the time, and when I find something good to eat just over the hill, or in the next valley, sometimes I just wander away. Other times I run, sneak, or look behind my shoulder to see if anyone is watching. Poor little lost sheep. He lies me down in green pastures, and guides me to streams of water to drink, even protects me from those animals ready to gobble me up. It’s starting to become obvious that the last few weeks I’ve made Him have to force me to lay me down, wake me up, and guide me. I can’t do anything good enough on my own. God is telling me to stop worrying and let Him take care of me, all the time, and not to fight Him. There are parts of me that He knows I haven’t given up to Him or let Him heal, or change, places that I don’t even realize are there, and places I’m afraid to go. My only real strength comes from Him.

Here’s something I keep on reading over and over lately:

Psalm 23

¹ The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

² He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

³ he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

⁴ Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

⁶ Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.